I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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