well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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