At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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