cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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