I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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