my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
