In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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