There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
