I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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