I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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