There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
