She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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