I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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