He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
