and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
