i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
