Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
