Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
