I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
