thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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