i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
