I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
