got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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