somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
