I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
