I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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