Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He passed out mid-signature
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
