I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
