Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
