i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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