I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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