Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
