After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
