Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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