You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
