just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I checked into jail on foursquare
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
