i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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