Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
