Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
