It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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