dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
