does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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