i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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