How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
