walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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