You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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