i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
