Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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