my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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