how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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