Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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